Phuck all spammers.
Who doesn’t hate spammers? They are the scum of the earth.
Every once in a while, we award the Phuckstick of the Year award, to the most persistent douchebag.
This year’s award doesn’t go to the Chinese domain robo-spammer, or even the clueless marketers of dot .GDN.
Heather Kennedy of a company called Insticator.co wins it, for sending 5 emails in 4 weeks, every time talking to herself.
What that means is: we never responded to their email.
So the 2nd one arrived two days later, quoting the first one as if we responded. The cheesy, wannabe funny content was as follows:
“I haven’t heard back from you and that tells me one of three things:
1. You’re already making so much money that making more does not interest you – and if that’s the case please let me know so I can stop bothering you.
2. You’re still interested but haven’t had time to get back to me yet.
3. You’ve fallen and can’t get up – in that case, let me know and I’ll call 911.”
Tell a spammer to stop so that they tag the email address they swiped as active? Hell no.
Two days later, a followup from Heather Kennedy and Insticator.co arrived:
“Growing your revenue has never been so easy. We last left the discussion on how Insticator, a leading technology platform, can help you earn more revenue.”
B*tch, we never had a discussion. You were just massaging your own nipples hoping we’ll respond to your unsolicited emails.
An entire week went by without this moron bugging us. Surely the lack of any response on our part would have given Heather Kennedy of Insticator.co a fucking clue!
But no. Next email contained such imbecile invitations:
“We would love to build an advertising partnership with you. Insticator’s customizable technology boosts revenue and engagement by helping users have fun. Are you around this week for a brief phone or Skype meeting?”
Did Miss Heather Kennedy grow up eating lead-laden paint chips off the wall? We haven’t responded a single time, and she wants a Skype meeting?
Lady, if your boss at Insticator.co is pushing for results, you need to take up yoga or Pilates as a hobby. Enough with the emails already!
Two weeks passed by, and it was so quiet that by now we hoped Heather Kennedy of Insticator.co had choked on her own spam.
A new email arrived, with more of the same shit:
“I wanted to reach out once more before I throw in the towel. Our team thinks your site is great and we would love to build a partnership with you.”
OK then, Heather Kennedy, you’ve definitely managed to help us build a partnership with Insticator.co: you win the phuckstick spammer of the year award.
Let’s hope you do throw that towel of yours because the next email we receive from you or Insticator.co will go directly to the FCC.
Happy Holidays!
You’ve never seen an email sales nurture stream before? Most people see several of these a day.
Alex – Is that a spammer’s euphemism for unsolicited email monologue? I should add this to the Domain Jargon series.
FYI, I somehow got in her sites and I have had the following thread:
Her:
05/03/2016
05/05/2016
05/07/2016
05/10/2016
05/17/2016
05/24/2016
My responses:
Never.
At least it is slowing down a tad #Brightside
I got one of these today. Granted, with my main client site, we got a lot of these short bus emails sent to us every week. Even though it says in plain English in our Media Kit that only solicitations from emails that contain a company name, company address and company phone number will be replied to, if at all. Else, they will be ignored.
They failed on two of those counts.
And seemingly have failed all over the place.
Yep..she has been emailing me too………..when I got her list of 3 reasons she hasn’t heard back from me……I gave her a 4th:
I’m not interested at this time!
Let’s see if that works.
Have you noticed that all the stellar reviews are from their employees?