Matt Cutts will cut your web site out of Google if you get on his bad side
Sponsored by CarrotJuice.com
Without getting into the exact specifics, let’s just say that I know a guy that knows a guy, and that guy knows Matt Cutts. I was fortunate enough to get set-up with a quick before work early morning meeting. The only rules for the meeting were no video cameras, and no voice recorders. We decided to meet up at 5:45am sharp on the corner of Castro Street, a block from where Matt lives, and only a couple of miles from the Googleplex. As I approached our meeting point that morning, I got to witness Matt already hard at work.
Matt Cutts: You’re out! You’re out of the fucking search engine!
Pedestrian On A Bike: What do you mean, I don’t even own a website.
Matt Cutts: It doesn’t matter asshole, you’re gone! I see you’ve got brown penny loafers on, try and buy them online tomorrow, you fucking asshole. Do you like red bikes? Try and buy a red bike online tomorrow! Yeah that’s right asshole, keep moving. Fucking prick!…
Tom Johnson: What’s going on?
Matt Cutts: That reckless fucking goof-ball almost made me spill my coffee? Let’s see him try and buy brown penny loafers on the internet again, fucking asshole!
Tom Johnson: Mr. Cutts, I’m Tom Johnson, I’m supposed to meet you here for the ride along.
Matt Cutts: Oh right… How’s it going Tom? I walk to work. It’s going to be a walk along. Is that cool?
Tom Johnson: Yeah, that’s fine. So Matt, my first question is, what’s it feel like to be you? You’re a literal Kingmaker. There are Google traffic dependent companies online that do hundred of millions annually in retail sales or ad leasing, and you can ban or penalize them at the snap of your fingers. What does yielding power like that feel like?
Matt Cutts: At first it went to my head, I’m not going to lie. I was big in the club scene for a while. Find me someone in the Los Angeles club scene that still has a website indexed by Google. Fucking bastards! On the dance floor, I can pull off one of the best “running man’s” out there. Is that dance move a little outdated, yes it is. Did people laugh at me, yes they did. Was I referred to as the “truffle shuffle guy”, yes I was. Did these pretentious hipster pricks have traffic to their websites the following day, no they did not. Years later, do they have traffic to their websites from Google, no they do not. I went straight ape-shit for a while. If a guy mad dogged me up in the club, banned! If a girl wouldn’t let me buy her a drink, banned! If I had to piss like a race horse, and you happened to be the guy next in line for the bathroom, banned! It was fucking hilarious at times.
Tom Johnson: That sounds harsh Matt. What about democracy on-line, what about enjoying the freedom to access information? How can you create a stable and sustainable search environment, when you’re essentially admitting to banning websites on a whim?
Matt Cutts: Do you want to visit a website that is owned and operated by an asshole? No, of course not. You’re not seeing the big picture Tom, the future is now. Stiff inflexible algorithms, that’s so yesterday. The future is user generated manual search results, and our anti-search spam team has been spearheading that initiative for nearly six years now.
Tom Johnson: You’re pulling my chain, right Matt?
Matt Cutts: You think I’m fucking with you? Watch this. ***Pulls out his cellphone*** Hey, Deepak. You at the plex? Ok, listen up. I want you to ban two websites, AcaiBerryJuice.com and Bowflex.com.
Tom Johnson: What’s that about?
Matt Cutts: I’ve been trying to get cut, get lean, get the physique in order. But let me just say, that Acai berry juice diet stuff is bullshit! I tried a detox liver flush, where you’re supposed to drink like 2 gallons of the Acai berry juice, and then bust out like 40 reps on the Bowflex. Long story short, it didn’t work at all! I think I shit out a part of my colon this morning.
Tom Johnson: Hahahaha! Are you serious?
Matt Cutts: Hell yes I’m serious! I have internet access on my phone. Search Google for those two websites. See if you can find them.
Tom Johnson: ***Does a couple of quick searches*** They’re nowhere to be found. That’s cruel dude!
Matt Cutts: Cruel? No, that’s the search of tomorrow, and you can write that down. Social engineering is where it’s at. Imagine how many people per day search online for extreme juice diets in combination with rigorous exercise routines. A few bans or penalties later, and imagine how people I just saved from getting severe diarrhea. Search results have influence, they have power over hearts and minds, and they have real life consequences. What we do at Google, is we manually consider what those consequences might be, even if it requires product testing by our team, and then we rank those websites accordingly. Don’t believe me? I took BMW.com down a couple of years ago, I straight banned their asses for several months. Publicly it was because of keyword stuffing. But actually, the real story is I got stiffed on a Z8 that I bought. The “charcoal black” seats that I ordered looked metallic gray in person. Yes I let them back into the search results eventually, but not before I literally saved like 30 to 40 people from ordering misrepresented “charcoal black” seats off their website.
Tom Johnson: That’s insane! Does that sort of high profile banning happen often?
Matt Cutts: Not as much as it used to. I went straight ballistic for a while. Ever ask yourself why you can no longer find information in Google regarding “Viagra”, “night sweats”, and “hilo surfing”. It had nothing to do with search spam, and don’t fucking ask me how or why, just thank me. Let’s just say that a vacation I took in Hawaii ended with a chipped tooth and whole lot of apologies… Let Bing index that recipe for disaster!
Tom Johnson: Looks like we’re almost at the G-Plex. It’s been a real pleasure Matt. You’re a straight shooter, I like that. Keep the up the good work.
Matt Cutts: No problem Tom, it’s been my pleasure. Just to put it out there, if anyone fucks with you, EVER… then let me know pronto. They’ll find themselves starving on Yahoo and Bing traffic, hahaha!
Tom Johnson: Will do, thanks buddy! Cheers.
Hilarious, nice work! Loving your site 😉
There’s wisdom in the Theater of the Absurd 😀
LMAO, nice article! Let’s see how long DomainGang.com stays in Google’s index 😛
Hahahaha! What’s wrong people? No one willing to post their name with a link in it? 😀
Hahahaha! Why did you make this whole post up? It’s complete BS, you never really met Matt Cutts…
Maybe you need a few lessons in humor appreciation? I thought the Brits were good at it.