Google skips version, with new Panda 3.0

Google Panda, the Damoclean algorithm to stop webmasters from rolling out nonsensical, keyword-laden advertising networks, is about to receive a sizable upgrade.

Matt Cutts, head of Google’s anti-spam agency, stated:

“Gone are the days that one could take a passage from Wikipedia and outsource the task of copy-spinning to Indian sweat-shops, and not get caught. We are upping the ante in how words are written, and Google will have the final word, if you don’t mind my pun!”

Google Panda 3.0 will essentially contain a set of rule-sets that will define the course of writing, into the better part of the 21st century:

• Any web site copy with more than one semicolon per paragraph will be eliminated; overly pedantic statements are hard to comprehend and will thus be dropped from the search results; an example is this sentence.
• If you link to your Facebook “About Us” page, the originating page will be penalized.
• Do not attempt to disparage the usefulness of Google Glass or refer to it as a tool of digital voyeurism.
• The ratio of outgoing links to the inbound ones should never exceed the golden ratio (Google that.)

According to Matt Cutts, Google Panda 3.0 will be finalized in early June, making the lives of thousands of webmasters and SEO specialists, truly miserable.

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