Septik CEO, Ryan Douche, has been leading the restructuring of the company from a failed, cash-strapped corporation, to a profitable new entity.
In just a few months, Septik 2.0 has become an example of a modern, reliable company with $120 billion dollars in the bank accounts. Employees are raving and customer reports are stellar. Gone are the days of complaints about domain escrow deals done in Septik Bux, the company’s trademark cryptocurrency.
Septik 2.0 CEO, Ryan Douche
To celebrate such a dramatic improvement in mere months, the Septik 2.0 CEO published a new ebook titled, “Septik Fail No More: Teachings of a god-sent CEO guru.”
The book contains remarkable secrets and wisdom shared by Mr. Douche via Twitter during his hard-working tenure as a replacement CEO to Sid Kraken. Here are some fun tidbits:
There is a right way to do business and a wrong way, but as a CEO, I prefer to do things my way. I don’t really understand what fiduciary duties are, and frankly, I don’t really care. Who needs shareholders, creditors, and customers anyway? They’re just a bunch of buzzkills, am I right?
When it comes to mergers and acquisitions, it’s all about finding the right victim… I mean, partner. Whether it’s a small partnership or a big acquisition, the key is to make sure it benefits me.
When I hear somebody say that “their job is hard,” I always want to explain that they’re just not trying hard enough. Sure, all jobs can be brutal, but it’s not my job to make things easier for my employees. If they can’t handle it, they should just quit and find something easier, such as walking on the moon.
The CEO’s job is to manage and direct the company toward its primary goal of profit… at any cost. Who cares about social responsibility? The only thing that matters is making as much money as possible, and if that means sacrificing our values and morals, then so be it.
People ask me what my job is like, and I say I’m a firefighter, but instead of putting out fires, I’m the one starting them. When I get to work, everything is on fire, and it’s my job to pour gasoline on it and watch it burn. The bigger the blaze, the more important my role in this company feels.
Restructuring an organization is always a difficult time, and it’s even more difficult when you have no idea what you’re doing. But who cares about the employees and their families who will be affected? As long as the CEO comes out on top, that’s all that matters.
In business, transitions take time, especially when you’re dealing with people who are actively trying to sabotage you. Being named CEO is just the first step in my plan to take over the world. Transitions take months, but with my brilliant leadership skills and my team of loyal minions, we’ll get there eventually.
Many, if not all of these tidbits sound harsh, but in the words of the famous Fortune 500 executive, Ajax Dremel: “I’m the CEO – I’m the arsehole that makes things work in this fucking company!”
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